#and I just really really want to draw but its 4am and I cant sleep

[boopboops22]

[biblicallyaccurateangeloncrack]

Genshin and hsr characters as pinned messages (out of context) from discord servers with my friends: a shitpost

(uhhh cw some nsfw jokes and cuss words)

wriothesley: "i do not want an alpha transformation happening rn "

march to danheng: "my coquette lungs are better than your emo lungs"

hu tao: *ghostly voice* "oooooogly boogly why'd you skadoodly me?"

xiao, learning how to spell: "i lvove elmo music"

childe: "he is in my feet"

klee: "yeah my grandma's actually kim kardashian"

bronya to cocolia when she got sick as a kid: "Mother please carry me outside before to see the sky one last time before the consumption takes hold of my body and soul"

hu tao: " "weenis", said eerily"

bennett: "THE SANDWHICH TOOK ME OUT"

blade: "that link is longer than my plans for the future"

serval: "i pledge allegiance to the american bra"

itto: "i am in heat growls the summer has come and i am in heat growls"

zhongli: "*old man voice* when i was your age i fought kids"

stelle/caelus: "when i was my age i eated drywall"

fu xuan: "JING YUAN ILL SNIPPERS YOU UP IF YOU DONT STOP WITH THIS GOOBEROUS SHIT"

diluc, about venti: "i like to prentend he was a fever dream i came with at 4am"

fréminet, trying to speak french: "they said Lyney tu dumbass"

sampo: "I think Luka would beat up Luka while Luka watches. and then Luka would join in and beat the living daylight out of Luka"

silver wolf, about blade: "ppl with lactose intolerance boutta have their 2nd period ongomg"

kayea and rosaria: "we're a match made in the deep dark depths of the abyssal caves in fuck knows where"

jingliu: "am i.........one of those queers........."

yanquing: "shout-out to my home dawg Charles aka history teacher for dropping this wisdom on me"

shinobu: "itto if you say anything penis related you are banned"

ayaka as a kid: ""please take me to the garden so that way i can see the shining sun for the last time before my frail body decomposes with the disease known as ligma""

lyney: "imagine Neuvillette seeing a bunch of orphans blow up infront of him"

yoimiya: "are you really friends if you dont have matching vagina bracelets ??"

wriothesley: "My name is actually marlinus maximilianus Merlin guys"

caelus/stelle: " *bites your toes playfully* "

Pompom: "i eat gender for dinner"

xiao: "is life without endless pain and suffering only for it all to end leaving nothing but emptiness and all your suffering being just for the entertainment of the entity that we call god. an entity who is the real reason as to why we humans end up hurting others, for pain and suffereing is nothing but an endless spiral no matter how hard you try."

kafka, messing with blade: "do you like the gay foot"

yanfei: "YOU CANT LET IT GO LET IT GO YOUR WAY OUT OF A RESTRAINING ORDER"

kokomi: "DEMENTED DOLPHIN"

Furina: "they oui oui'd me"

shenhe: "the cld never bothered me anywa......."

kiara: "agressive meow"

ganyu: "are you a tree cause i wanna eat you"

dainsleif: "while youre kissing you bf or whatever ill be watching in the walls"

venti: "I FART ON PLANES"

scaramouche: "childe I will shave you bald"

itto: "perry plaptypussy"

seele, in response to hook's drawing: "10/10 Einstein could never"

razor, to bennett: "I WILL LICK YOU TO SLEEP"

sucrose, about to collect more bones: "*deranged loud breathing*"

kequing, to half of liyue: "SHUT UP COLOR WHEEL"

cyno: "genderfluid people's favorite song is liquid smooth"

kequing: "the feminine urge to beat up your coworkers with a stick"

dehya: "i piss on biphobes" kaveh: "but what if they have a piss kink..."

albedo: "he looks like a failed science project"

baizhu: "blowjob? nah, blownose"

silver wolf: "story time, honkai star rail made me leave my brother at a gas station and i do not regret SHIT"

blade: "if i end this year without killing myself its a miracle"

columbina: "btw dead bodies take less space if you bury them like theyre standing up"

zhongli: " *cracks back and walks away leaving a trail of dust behind"

@muachiro @geetkk @veimwah @etherific @zohakutenstan

[shadeslayer]

4am thought before i go back to sleep but just like

never feel bad for not creating art. never feel bad for being unable to make art. theres a lot of talking about how creating art is a ~basic human whatever and about all the ~innovative ways disabled people make art and while thats really cool its edging into inspiration porn tbqh. a lot of people just cant. for a long time my depression (& sundry) left me unable to put anything on paper because i just. couldnt. if my arthritis was in my wrists i probably wouldn't draw much at all. some days my brain fog makes me so muddled i cant get anything straight enough in my head to even begin putting it out into the world as poetry or pictures

if your disability, your body, your brain, your circumstances has left you unable to do art i want u to know to never feel bad about it nm what people will say abt "but u can make art if you try harder" and all sorts of shit

ur allowed to grieve that loss of ability and ur allowed to accept it as a part of you and to know youre not able to do art, not right now (& maybe never!), not in a way you want, not in the place youre in. its okay if the art inside you cant find its way out. so many others are here with u and we understand and ur not alone and you are not 'the problem'. i love u

[beyond-dusk]

Ghost Adventures - Bobby Mackeys

A while ago I made a post criticizing the Bobby Mackey's episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved, and I cant believe that I haven't made a post about the Ghost Adventures episode set there. Thats actually where I first heard about Bobby Mackey and Pearl Bryan, when my AutoCAD teacher in high school put on Ghost Adventures in the background while we worked on the computers. This was back when my brain still had a part that was afraid of impossible things and I lost a lot of sleep that night because I was so terrified of ghosts. I killed that part of my brain in college so now I'm all about haunted stuff!

The classic haunting sign! This sign has been updated to a more modern one, but I prefer this one.

Okay, this jackass has no idea what hes talking about. Hes talking about the investigation into Pearl Bryan's murder and how blood hounds were used to track the killers scent. Hes saying that it was tracked to the building where Bobby Mackey's is now. That is completely false, all police activity reported in newpapers at the time said that the killers were tracked to a nearby reservoir but then they lost the scent. In fact, there's not a single contemporary source that directly ties this murder to Bobby Mackey's building.

To make things worse, he believes that the head was brought to the building to act as a sacrifice to the devil. Scott Jackson was not a satanist! He murdered Pearl because she was pregnant and wanted to keep the baby and marry him, and he wanted to abort it and cut off contact. He removed her head to prevent identification and it worked until her identity was proven by using her unique shoes.

His last blatant lie is that Scott Jackson swore on the gallows that he would haunt the area around Bobby Mackeys. A newspaper at the time reported that his last words were him still insisting he was innocent. Alonzo Walling said the same thing.

Okay, he makes another lie later in the episode where he repeats the legend of Johanna and her lover Robert Randall. In my research, there's no evidence of anything in the legend bring real. All the Johannas and Robert Randalls who died in the area during the 1930s were either very old or babies.

"We came in here one night, I was the first one down here. Right in this general location right here there was a satanic circle. It was glowing green." Dude, can you give me a bit of what you were smoking that night? I don't want to tear into people's personal stories but the claims of satanic activity happening just annoys the hell out of me.

Oh my god theres a staircase there?! I couldn't see that in any of the reference pictures I found! Thankfully I don't think I had to draw the room at that angle so its not really missing from the comic.

Someone claims that Pearl died at 3am, which is considered the witching hour, but theres no solid proof of that. She died between 10pm Friday night (it was raining until then and she was dry when her body was found) and 4am (she was dead at least 4 hours when she was found at 8am). So its possible, but no proof.

So here is what I've been excited to address, the mysterious pipe! So part of my research involved looking at Sanborn Fire Insurance Maps, which show structures across cities and towns going back over a hundred years. I have a fire map from 1894, two years before Pearl Bryan's murder, and it shows both the slaughterhouse and all the pipes in the area.

There is no pipe coming out of Bobby Mackey's. There IS a pipe coming out of the distillery that was there. I have maps going into the 1940s that show no pipe connected to the building. I'm not 100% sure that the pipe is the one in the distillery, but a pipe that large would show up on a map like this.

So Zak is saying that the caretaker found a piece of a skull while digging up the well? This is the first I've heard of that. Did he hand it over to the police? What happened to it? They do not answer this in the show. You would think they would elaborate on this.

So theyre claiming that these are blood stains under their black light, but blood shows up black under black light unless they spray luminol fluid. A LOT of fluids glow under black light, including sweat, spit, urine, and other non-biological stuff like tonic water, whiteners, laundry detergent, and vaseline.

Conclusion: I know this show purposefully played up the spookiness for the viewer, I just like directly addressing things with evidence and truth. You can enjoy shows like this, just keep in mind they exaggerate a lot and shouldn't be taken too seriously.

And a message to Douglas Hensley: Fuck you, Scott Jackson wasn't a satanist and he killed Pearl to get rid of her and their baby so he wouldn't have to marry her.

[dreamsy990]

deltarune but wof

haha i drew deltarune but wings of fire

tbh this is just me wanting to ramble about my dumb mini aus that i come up with but never actually do anything with so uhhh heres some ideas for this/explanations

kris:

i made them a rainwing!!! theres a few reasons but lemme just keep it brief -rainwings are very “othered” and kris being a human really fits that -theyre also very isolated so ofc nobody really would know how to actually raise a rainwing, for example the stuff like how they actually change color by using the sun and shit -they LITERALLY CHANGE COLOR WHEN THEY GO INTO THE DARK WORLD I MEAN COME ON

anyways some hcsss!!!

kris totally would change their scales to blend in with their family and seem more “sandwing” (yep i made the dreemurrs sandwings), specifically to have the same colors as asriel. in the og kris drawing i realized that this wasnt really showing my idea of how they normally would look so i added in a doodle of the whole family!!

i inverted the colors mostly so you could tell the difference plus gave them some pops of green n yellow to help them stand out, but in reality most of the time they just look like a smaller asriel

theyve probably picked up the habit of trying to raise their tail threateningly but that doesnt really work because. its a sandwing thing they dont have venom. OR AT LEAST THE NORMAL KIND- no we are not getting into the whole rainwing venom thing

actually we are

kris probably doesnt know about rainwing venom, since even in deltarune the people there are super uneducated about humans, and in wof everyone is even LESS educated about rainwings (at least if this is set post darkstalker), so nobody really knows. 

they probably camoflauge to prank people. like you just feel someone watching you at 4am and you turn around and boom its kris

theyve probably gotten good at stopping their scales from changing since theyre constantly trying to blend in with their family, so they mostly stay light pink like asriel. after hanging out with susie a bit tho they probably get more confident and try out blue and pink and it looks great i love them. and also extreme emotions can make them change, but its not voluntary and they dont usually notice until someone points it out. 

theyre also probably very dull in color before they really embrace their identity. they like to stick with their family and blend in as much as possible, but rainwings sort of need to sleep outside and take naps often to have bright colors. as soon as kris realizes that others dont take those naps or feel tired a lot they try to stop and so their colors kinda suffer. to other rainwings they might even look a bit sickly.

hanging out with susie probably gives them the confidence boost they need to actually be ‘healthy’ and their colors get a lot brighter and they stop sleeping in class so much because THEYRE ACTUALLY GETTING THE REST THEY NEED WOOO GOOD FOR YOU KRIS GOOD FOR YOU

kris is also probably very uncomfortable with other rainwings because they cant really relate to them at all and it makes them feel somehow both less rainwing AND less sandwing than anything and so they avoid them at all costs.

ive probably thought the most about this so yeahhhhhh dont expect this much for the others

------

susie

susie was probably the easiest tribe to decide on besides kris, so heres why -to be honest theres not much reason shes buff -and big -and thats very mudwing of her -also the only way she could be purple outside of fudging the mudwing rules is by making her a rainwing which kris has covered, silkwing which ralsei has, or a really fucking weird skywing which didnt really fit her vibe

hc time!!!

theres actually not much ive thought about with her, but she probably gets a lot of weird looks as the only mudwing in town, which probably also fuels people being scared of her. she looks kinda funky and thats because i dont care about the rules but it also probably doesnt help like mudwings are very brown im just fudging the rules all over the place here she probably likes mud and kris is the only one who also likes it so they just fuckin roll in it sometimes idk wherre this thought came from but its here now i considered giving her no tail/ a very stubby tail because i think its funny but fuck it shes just got a normal tail sorry besties no short tail susie for u

-----

ralsei

hey guys look its the baby. hes a silkwing -it made it really easy to justify his frankly kinda weird color palette without making him a rainwing. -now that i think about it i proably couldve made him a leafwing -but that seems kinda stupid and i like him being small bug man -silkwings are sort of slightly enslaved in canon which kinda fits his weird “we must serve the lighteners” bullshit

hcs

not much to say here. his design is my third favorite, not to be confused with my first favorite design (kris) or my second favorite design (noelle) or my favorite design idea (berdly).  

-----

noelle

with noelle i kick canon to the curb because fuck that shit i can make her a hybrid that sounds fun. she’s ice/sand, theres no deep reason here i just wanted to be able to make her brown while also having the ice stuff

hcs

her mom is an icewing and her dad is a sandwing or ice/sand hybrid like her, since she doesnt have much thats actually very sandwing about her other than her coloring. if she was blue and you got rid of the back frills she’d be just a normal icewing.

icewings are very status-orientated so her mom puts a lot of pressure on her to be a good role model even this far away from icewing rankings. carol probably only moved out of the ice kingdom because she wanted rudy to be happy and the ice is super uncomfy for sandwings, so she’s a bit miserable in the town with it being so warm. she probably sleeps in a seperate room, not for like weird marriage reasons but because she wanted to freeze it. she’s probably got some lingering racism, and also, hybrids are VERY looked down on by icewings traditionally, so she puts a ton of pressure on noelle to be the best representation of what they can be.

noelle believes she has to be as “icewing” as possible, and since the only full icewing she knows is carol, she’s the icon of what noelle is supposed to be. so she’s picked up a lot of her moms bad habits. for example, she’s really bad at talking about her own feelings or being emotionally in general, since carol always hides how she feels. she can also tend to make rude comments about other tribes, but she apologizes immediately whenever she catches herself.

dess was very much NOT icewing and her mom sort of hated it. she was brash and loud, probably not very orderly and didnt care too much about rules or status, and picked up firebreath from her dads side (if hes a hybrid too, then it skipped a generation). very not icewing of her. noelle loves the break in order, and so she’s sort of split half and half between who she thinks she has to be and what she thinks she wants to be, and isnt quite sure what she ACTUALLY wants or has to be between all the outside forces

also she blushes purple. red sandwing blood + blue icewing blood = fuck you shes purple now. i think its cute. purple bloosh for a purple girl *insert susie*

actually, the most sandwing thing about noelle is probably that she doesnt mind heat. she actually might just love it as much as the cold. she just hates the middle bits. either freeze her alive or burn her in hell no INBETWEEN DAMNIT

-----

berdly

berdly berdly berdly. in the end, i kinda like the idea of him better than the final design. hes a nightwing with probably a bit of skywing blood but no (alive) relatives around to confirm that with so he will definetly not admit it -he was going to be a skywing because hes a bird. it seemed fitting -but then i realized that i couldnt make him blue like that -so hes a nightwing with skywing descent -okk the hcs explain the rest of my reasoning better so ill stop now

hcs

berdly probably brags about being able to read minds/see the future a lot because people in hometown dont know enough about nightwings to counter. in reality, berdly isnt a 3 moons dragon. or a 2 moons. or a 1 moon. hes just a normal dragon.

one of his grandparents was a skywing that “brought shame to their family” or something idk. the point is they dont talk about him no no no they dont- ill stop now

berdly is super ashamed of this because his family had to leave because of how that skywing descent ruined his familys reputation in the night kingdom. nightwings are very,,, how do you say it,,,, racist most of the time. like somehow worse than icewings. they kind of hate everyone tbh. 

berdly’s ego probably comes from a lot of the “nightwings are perfect” bullshit he hears. i dont think his parents are very present for him, they just wanted to get out of the night kingdom because of the shame and brought him with them. 

he doesnt really want to lie about having powers, but hes in too deep now. the only ones who know are noelle (he confided in), kris (who saw it while they were lurking because they do that), and susie (who figured it out by threatening him with no actual intent and saw him being scared, and putting 2 and 2 together herself). and his parents but they dont count.

catti is also probably close to figuring it out because she knows a lot more about nightwing powers because of her research into these sorts of things, and the fact that he doesnt have a teardrop scale.

berdly can fly faster than a lot of dragons in the town because of his skywing descent, but he doesnt fly a lot because he wants to hide it as might as possible.

-----

ok thanks for listening to me ramble about funny dragon books but deltarune

i might draw other stuff for this au who knows its fun

[team-gabriel]

At some point, after ages of bottling things up and trying to numb the pain by ignoring it, Glass snaps. This happens: Glass sits quietly during a staff meeting, trying to keep it all in still, but he cant stop himself from shaking and shedding a few tears. Bright notices and out-loud asks if Glass is okay, and that's when Simon cant hold it in anymore. He breaks down, practically screaming as he sobs that no, hes not okay, he hasnt been okay in so long and that he cant take it anymore- (1/2)

Simon can hardly sleep anymore. If he manages three hours, it’s a really good night.

He’s having less and less really good nights...

Those stupid melatonin gummies hardly do a thing for him and Benadryl does little more than leave him feeling groggy the next morning...

He sleeps. The nightmares wake him up. The cycle continues until he ends up watching dumb wildlife documentaries at 4am in an attempt to pull his focus onto anything else.

But still, exhausted or not, he goes to work every morning as usual. He drinks enough coffee to probably put a fully grown grizzly bear dangerously close to a caffeine overdose — he doesn’t even really like the taste of the stuff, he just needs it to function at this point.

He’s getting better at putting up his walls, at smiling like nothing’s wrong, at pushing his own troubling thoughts aside... he can almost brush off the sickening feeling in his stomach every time he notices someone staring at the fading scars on his lips.

He’s getting better. He says he’s getting better.

Well, technically, he never said there was anything wrong to begin with...

...But it’s wearing at him, little by little. Like rainwater slowly cutting through stone, like snowflakes gathering on a roof until it reaches the point of caving — it’s gradual, it’s discrete... but its damage over time is great.

Glass has been bottling everything up, and now he’s only a few drops from spilling over...

He can barely focus on the staff meeting. Gears is talking about something, but Simon’s own thoughts are too loud.

They pull at him, like a dark rope that keeps wrapping tighter and tighter, until he finds it hard to even breathe.

Glass turns his focus back down to the blank notepad he was supposed to be taking notes on, and he taps his pen quietly against the surface. He’s been so on edge lately — anxious, almost — it has to be all of the caffeine. He says it’s only from the caffeine...

He forces himself to stop tapping the pen when he notices Bright’s concerned glances. Simon clenches his jaw tightly as he returns to trying to take notes...

He manages a few scribbled words before he can barely read them behind the blur of unshed tears that sting his eyes.

Simon takes a deep breath, trying to hold it as long as the horrible tightness in his chest would allow.

He pulls his glasses from his face, massaging at the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes, pretending he was simply trying to work through a headache.

It clearly wasn’t as solid of an act as he had hoped...

“Simon?”

“...fine.”

“...Are you sure you’re alr—?”

“For the last time — I said I’m fine!” Glass snaps harshly, momentarily forgetting of the fact that he was in he middle of a meeting and drawing an uncomfortable amount of focus to himself and his outburst.

Simon straightens awkwardly, glancing around at his coworkers. “I’m... sorry,” he says, forcing his expression into a tight frown. “Bad headache. I’ll... I’ll just see myself out.”

He doesn’t wait for any response before he gathers his (mostly-blank) notes and hurries out.

...Once again, pretending not to notice the way Kondraki motioned with his head for Bright to follow.

He just hopes to get back to his office as quickly as he can, ready to act like this didn’t happen, just like everything else...

Bright meets him up at his office, knocking softly at the doorframe as Simon pretends he didn’t notice him there.

“Glass? Can we talk?”

“Huh? Right, uh... sorry for yelling earlier, I didn’t mean it... Headache.”

“Look, Glass, I’m getting really worried.”

“What? Worried? What’s—? Why are you worried?” Simon asks quickly. “Did— do you want to talk to me about it?”

“You. You’re worrying me,” Jack replies. “And yes, I do think we need to talk about it.”

“Me? I’m– Jack, I’m fine!” Glass assures. “I’m fine. Completely fine. Everything is fine!”

“Bullshit, Simon. I may not be a psychiatrist, but anybody with eyes can see that you are clearly not fine...”

“Jack, I mean it, I’m not–“

Bright pulls the chair from the other side of the desk, sitting so that he is directly in front of Simon.

“Oh, I know you’re not,” he says. “So we’re just going to talk about this– and by we, I mean you.”

“Jack, I’m— there’s nothing to talk about. I told you — it’s just a a headache.”

“You know that’s not what I mean, Simon.”

Glass opens his mouth, clearly about to argue back with another poorly veiled lie, but he shuts it wordlessly, frowning as he clenches his jaw.

Until finally, he speaks the first shred of truth about the situation.

“...I’d much rather we talked about something else.”

“Well that’s too damn bad,” Jack says. “Because this is what we’re talking about.”

More silence.

“If it’s really not bothering you, it shouldn’t be difficult, right?”

Still more silence. Glass is anxiously drumming his pen against his desk again.

“Simon, just admit that this is still bothering you and we can–“

“—Jack, did you know that some species of parrots can live for 70 years?” Glass interjects suddenly. “I didn’t know that. Did you know that?”

“Glass, we aren’t changing the subject.”

“...And there was this one bird that knew almost two-thousand different words! Two-thousand, Jack! I don’t even think I know two-thousand different words–!”

“Simon–“

“I’ve been watching a lot of Animal Planet at night–“

“Oh, believe me, I can tell,” Jack replies. “And you’re doing a real piss-poor job at trying to derail the subject...”

“And ducks! Jack, did you know that ducks– they don’t– they–“

Jack can practically see the will breaking in his eyes at this point.

“Simon...”

Glass takes in a shaky breath.

“Jack, did you know that sometimes– sometimes I just want to scream, but I’m afraid that if I do then I’ll just never stop.”

Glass is wringing his hands, avoiding Jack’s eyes. Bright lets him continue speaking without interruption.

“...Did you know that sometimes it feels like the whole world is trying to come crashing down on me all at once – and I know it’s not, I know it’s in my head – Simon, you’re being ridiculous, you’re a psychiatrist for Christ’s sake, just- just look at your notes or something!” Glass rambled. “And- and you’re right! I’m a psychiatrist, so why am I– I shouldn’t be– what an absolute hypocrite!”

“Simon, you aren’t a hypocrite.”

“Oh, but I am!” Simon replies. “I am, Jack! I sit here all day and I tell people to open up and quit bottling everything inside – but I can’t even follow my own bloody advice?! No, I just poke and pry at everybody’s traumas and I can’t even talk about one goddamn little insignificant raid?!”

“It’s not insignificant, Glass.”

“Compared to all the shit that everyone else has gone through?! Believe me, I know — I’ve heard it all!” Simon exclaims. “Jack, I can guarantee that you’ve experienced things a million times worse than—!”

“But it isn’t about me! We’re talking about you—!”

“That doesn’t matter!”

“You were tortured, Simon!” Bright exclaims. “You were hurt — you still are hurt — don’t try to tell me that that doesn’t matter!”

“I was only tortured because I let myself get captured! Practically deserved it at that point! Think about it! If it were you or Clef, or Kondraki — you’d’ve escaped ages before anyone could even—!”

“Simon, what?!”

“I practically just let it happen, Jack! I couldn’t fight, I couldn’t escape — I couldn’t even tough it up enough to pull out the goddamn stitches on my own! It was a wasted rescue mission, Jack — nobody should’ve had to put themselves in danger for someone so worthless to the Foundation!”

“Simon... what...?”

Glass could only shake his head, refusing to meet Jack’s eyes.

“You aren’t worthless, Si.”

“Then why do I always feel like I am?!”

Glass has already opened up more in the past four minutes than he had in four weeks, and he’s had enough. He sits in his chair, burying his face in his hands. Jack steps closer, standing directly in front of him, pulling the therapist into a hug.

“Simon, it’s okay...” he whispers. “It’s okay...”

Glass, after several long, shaky sobs, hugs him back — Bright resting his chin on the top of Simon’s head, pulling his fingers softly through the back of Simon’s hair.

“You aren’t worthless, Si. You aren’t pathetic. You aren’t weak.”

And, in Jack’s arms, Simon finally let himself break down. Every buried feeling spilling to the surface — that crushing weight in his chest finally beginning to lessen.

He knew it was a discrete, gradual thing — like recovering from a broken bone, like flowers regrowing after a wildfire...

But, in Jack’s arms, Simon finally let himself begin to heal.

[imagines-mha]

How class 1-B are in the mornings

Monoma

Have u ever seen something so tired in ur life

He’s 100% that annoying person who REFUSES to get up no matter how many times you shout at him

Takes him 39 years to actually get out of bed and he’s hellbent until he gets some form of breakfast (thank u tetsutetsu for being the typical morning provider)

Like fr he hates just about everyone

He’s the reason most of the morning dramas break out in the class. He argues with EVERYONE and it causes so many fuckin arguments there’s at least one every morning some1 restrain him

Tetsutetsu

Typical “RISE AND SHINE ITS A LOVELY MORNING WHO WANTS BREAKFAST????” bitch in the house

He’ll wake up exactly on his alarm, hopping out of his bed as awake as he’s ever been he’s so excited everyone plz give him a kiss

Once he’s up he’s up and he’s the biggest morning person in the house like he brings SO MUCH joy

It annoys the sleepy squad™️ but on the plus side he offers to make breakfast for everyone cus he’s always up so early so who rlly wins???

Awase

Closeted member of the sleepysquad™️

sleeps until he HAS to get up lmao he ain’t one of those “i’ll get up early to get breakfast and get prepared for the day!!” NAW he’s more like “don’t even enter my room til 10 minutes before class starts”

If you DO enter his room earlier than allowed he will end you. Like it’s one of the few times he gets really REALLY angry at people and u don’t wanna see him angry cus he can be a demon

He pretends he’s up when his alarm rings, but he’ll sit at breakfast letting his eyes shut every few minutes and it’s so easy to see how tired he is

Rin

He’s grumpy when he wakes up

If monoma or ANYONE even opens their mouth he glares so hard like if looks could kill lmao

Can’t eat breakfast in the mornings. Thinks anyone who does has deeply rooted issues

Literally. Don’t even breathe in his direction bro. It’s for ur own good

He and awase make the worst duo in the mornings to be around they can be so SASSY

Tsuburaba

Either the happiest person alive or the sleepiest. Fr it’s 50/50

One morning he’ll wake up with a start and greet everyone and get off to a happy, bouncy beginning to his day

Other mornings he can and will fall asleep in a bowl of cereal

He’s also the cutest though like he has that messy hair aesthetic and he’s literally a 4 year old in need of care when he’s sleepy

His mood depends on whether he’s showered the night before or not

Kaibara

SLEEPY SQUAD LEADER

He wakes up extremely tired: his hair a mess, pyjamas all ruffled, and he yawns 3 times per minute

Does he care though? No

Like fr an avalanche could hit the building and he still wouldn’t react heS SO SLOW

It takes him like 2 hours to wake up properly but the class find it adorable cus he has this croaky voice when he’s tired and they all LOVE IT

Honenuki

He wakes up every morning exactly 4 minutes before his alarm. He doesn’t know how to fix it

He’s learned to reap the benefits though cus these four minutes are his time™️ to get his life together for the day

He 100% sleepwalks

He’s that weirdo who does stretches in the mornings and drinks water to “fully energize himself”

In a good mood most mornings- just like he usually is tbh like they don’t affect him much

Kuroiro

Does he,,,, does he sleep?

Honenuki went into his room one night to grab a charger and found him just,,,sitting there

He doesn’t like to talk about that experience

Noone really knows what happens once lights go out tbh

He does sleep though. If you look closely in the mornings his hair’s a teeny bit more disshevelled and his voice is slightly more gruff but it takes a genius to figure it out

Komori

She is literally the defiance of logic in the mornings

10pm will hit and she’ll be snoring on the sofa, then after her 9 HOUR SLEEP she’ll wake up for school, more tired than anyone in the class

Sleepysquad queen™️

She’s dangerous whenever she’s tired like i mean she needs constant assistance cus my girl be walking into walls n shit

She just makes confused noises til class starts

Kendo

She’s tired but mom gotta work so she forgets abt it 😤

She’s the resident alarm clock of the dorms

As in she comes and wakes up the idiots who hit snooze too many times (*cough* moNOMA *cough*)

A little moody in the mornings, and it’s not a rare sight to see her arguing with a grumpy monoma or awase

Pls be kind to her in the mornings she tries so hard.

Pony

ADORABLE SLEEPY ANGEL

shes the only one monoma can stand in the mornings cus you just CANT be mean to her

Always has her hair in plaits to make it wavy and wears matching pyjamas every night

She literally is an angel she’ll wake up with a croaky “good morning everyone” and start her day with smiles and happy thoughts

Definitely a morning person she cheers everyone up

Ibara

She gets up at 5:45am every single morning to meditate and do yoga

Always the first one up

She’ll come outside the dorms and watch the sunrise in the summer with a cup of tea and her own company- if this doesn’t happen she goes from angel to demon in minutes

When everyone wakes up she’s already dressed and has already eaten and they’re lowkey jealous of her time management

Reiko

Don’t look at her in the mornings she’s a mess

Ask her a question and she’ll stare blankly at you until you go away there’s no hope for conversation sorry bro 😔👊🏻

She just sits on her phone and tries to absorb as much caffeine as possible before going to school like she litrally gives 0 fucks u could feed her paper in the mornings and she wouldn’t second guess it

Kodai

She’s the most normal when she wakes up. Not too happy not too grumpy just 👌🏻

Will help tetsutetsu make breakfast cus she’s one of the only ones who can stand his energy

She’s the go to gal for homework in the mornings. If you need to copy some shit up or finish off smth her schoolbags always open to everyone and the answers are always right

She’s the only one everyone can collectively stand in the mornings

Tokage

How does she have so much energy??? What the fuck

Wakes up ready to run a marathon

Her eyes fr snap open at 7:00am and she’s like “LETS GOOOOOOO MORNING TIME YEE HAW!!!!”

Uses her quirk to prank people in the mornings and it makes the morning clique™️ giggle

As opposed, it makes the sleepy squad™️ so fucking angry but it IS funny to be fair

Manga

U know those cute ZZZZZZZ emoji things that appear on his speech bubble whenever he’s sleepy

They stay there til midday

He just drags himself around every morning and bondo ends up carrying him HES SO TIRED

He stays up all night drawing and dancing around his room like it’s 4AM and he’s bouncing on his bed to the fuckin ghostbusters soundtrack he’s a dork

Bondo

Another angel in the mornings

If it weren’t for him fukidashi would have been dead due to tiredness

Makes all his sleepy friends their coffee and gets them ready for school

Hes a mom

He sleeps a good 10 hours a night tho like damn he does get his beauty sleep

He’ll help out as much as possible and everyone just loves to be around him

Shishida

He’s a CONFUSED OLD MAN

“Ah,,,,,kendo,,,,have you by any chance seen my glasses?”

He asks shit like this every morning and every morning they’re in the EXACT same place god someone help him pls

He sleepwalks and sleeptalks and it’s TERRIFYING because from a distance he looks so scary

Don’t get into a conversation with him in the mornings he’ll talk for hours on end

Shoda

He’s another sleepy boy

He doesn’t have an ounce of malice in him, but he’s also the most disorientated

He’s dropped and smashed so many cups on the floor from just being too tired vlad’s gonna kill him one day

He actually doesn’t give a fuck in the mornings

You could tell him the house is on fire and he’d still try and roll back over to get that extra 5 minutes lmao

Kamakiri

Do u want 2 die in the mornings? No? Ok just don’t look at him and you’ll be fine

The definition of “if looks could kill”

He doesn’t want to be awake. He doesn’t want to go to school. He wants to be in bed, dreaming abt nice leaves or some shit idk what do preying mantises dream abt??

He’s threatened monoma with a knife before and vlad had to pull them apart it was scary as heck but he regets nothing

[half-bloodcanons]

So im doing a project with a friend that entails me outlining a handful of greek myths and im being a sarcastic asshole because 1. thats how i do work at 4am and 2. we both know the myths so this is really redundant but i need some form of an outline in order to move on. So heres a break down of some of the big myths:

Titanomachy:  Chronus got hungry. Like 6 times. One of them was a rock. Through some bullshit of Chronus is a fucking idiot and possibly drugs he thought the rock was a baby and decided not to persue that matter any more. Decade-somethin later weird dude who strangely looks like chronus shows up and offers him wine and then big C vomits up 5 fully grown children who have never seen sunlight before and then they murder him over 10 years. Some giants in there, 3 asshole draw lots because its a better alternative than strange women lying in ponds.

Prometheus:  Born in cave. Cave dark. Night very scary. Sun not scary. Sun burn. Gods have thing that burn like little sun. Man steal little sun. God angery at man. Man gets his liver picked out on a daily basis for like ever.

Heracles: Its heracles. Hercules for the disney fan. Watch the movie and then pretend Hera is really a raving bitch who wants him dead and Hades is a p chill dude who just wants his dog to go on a walk once in a while. Also zeus got horny. And Herc murdered Meg. And he literally shoveled shit out of a horse pen for a straight 12 hours. And… yah its very different.

Gigantomachy: Backstory: Gaia got pissed at her husband/son so she had her grandkids kill him. Then Gaia got pissed at her grandkids, so she had her great grandkids kill him. Now Gaia is pissed at her great grandkids so she made a whole bunch of new children to kill them. Also cave man here? and Heracles? Like everyone here is an asshole but one of the assholes wants to eat the world so she can sleep so like....same?

Trojan War: Probably best known of the myths? Homer is a jackass like that. Basically Zeus got horny, hera got depressed, a dude named after the capital of france got horny, Eris showed up and did what she does best which is the ancient gods equivalent of politics at thanksgiving. Then all the depressed lady gods go fight over a shiny fruit that they literally can grow a bunch of in their gardens because this fruit aint special to them in any way shape or form other than Eris said pretty. Then the goddess of horny went to french-horny and let him start a war. Also Zeus might have orchestrated this entire thing because the world was so full of people that he couldnt get away with cheating on his wife and that had to stop? Priorities, i guess.

Odyssey:  So man pisses off poseidon because he was cocky. And then takes 20 years to get home when 1. The medeterrainian is very swimable as per modern day man (and Odysseus was fit AF), 2. He had the side of not one but TWO of the most powerful goddesses in olympus. He slept with the pig lady, one dude died for no reason other than comedy purposes, there was a giant who cant see nobody, p sure this is lowkey an ancient greek comedy.

[secretshinigami]

Masterlist of Demegawa-chan’s Special Prompts

A compiled list of everyone’s prompts from the exchange – thank you for letting us post them, and we hope you guys enjoy them! Prompts are organized by their submitter, so be sure to give credit if you use one.

niatsuki

Near and Light kissing

Mikami and Light in the rain sharing an umbrella

Misa in a suit

Domestic Mikalight

Matsuda confronting Near on the theory he brings up at the end of the manga

Nate and Light having an obtuse argument, but with romantic undertones

toygowther

Light wearing a crop top, high waisted jeans and fishnets, and a choker. 

L having a nice day out in the park eating ice cream with Maki and Near 

Musical!Light smiling

Misa in a cute gothic dress doing a finger heart

L and Light wearing Misa Misa merch at one of her concerts.

AU in which Light is actually a woman. The fic would follow how Misa reacts to it and if she would still want to be her girlfriend.

Role swap au. Light as Misa and Misa as Light.

Light and Misa meeting a different way and actually forming a healthy relationship. 

spaceblue

L, Naomi & B shenanigans

Naomi, Wedy and Lidner as Charlie's angels (or L's angels?)

Wammy kids as Pokemon trainers

Matt gets the rest of the Wammy kids to play Smash with him

Naomi and L after the end of LABB, after he says his name is Rue Ryuzaki 

Drama!L and drama!Raye Penber bickering 

hazblogs

your take on A's gender and sexuality, bonus points if they're not a cis man and straight

Mello and sun imagery

Beyond Birthday and his eyes

Near with Hanahaki disease (pick who it's about if you want a specific ship)

Mello and witchcraft, if possible in the canon universe

Naomi interacting with Beyond (au or canon), if possible talking about L or the Wammy kids

L/Light being soulmates, in canon or in an AU

how Matt started smoking (I am comfortable with heavy drug themes)

polyphenols

L learning to garden, paint, cook, do taxes, care for an animal, or pay for a parking ticket for the first time

All the times L has cursed Right In Front Of The Task Force (poor Soichiro)

L alone, dressed for the cold, in a cathedral during midnight hours, gazing at the altar in silent contemplation

Aiber and Wedy at an evening gala on a mission

L and Alessandro Juliani warmly shaking hands

Young Naomi in a darkened room with red string and case clippings everywhere

What chain of events led to Quillsh Wammy deciding to adopt L and care for him?

Matsuda cant swim and he’s knocked into a body of water on a case, one of the task force has to go after him

The conversation that happened between L and Rem before he walked out onto that rooftop

L traveling somewhere exotic for a case, meets celebrity of your choice and becomes unlikely friends, takes down crime circle together 

Naomi and L interact side by side as partners during a seperate case  

paralllaxes

16 year old Gevanni (normal day or family banter)

Naomi in modern clothing

the SPK in one of those cheesy family pictures.

Naomi thinking about LABB while in Japan

SPK found family stuff / domesticity

Naomi being with the SPK (with or without Raye is the author's choice)

kiranatrix

Light and L in emo/goth clothes or in an emo band

Light in a crown on a throne

Ryuk doing something funny or playing a prank while invisible

L and Light on a road trip

Misa painting Rem’s looooong nails or giving her a makeover

Death Note characters as birds! 

Sayu gets a grumpy parrot and Light doesn’t realize it can talk until after he hears it repeat some Kira plan thing, so he has to adopt it to keep it from spilling on him

L and Light talk about something important that happened to them in their childhood

L has to deal with growing amount of Light’s products in their shared shower and tries some out of curiosity with disasterous results

Light accidentally eats the last piece of cake in Kira HQ and L can’t deal at 4am

Lawlight Apocalypse AU of any variety 

Beyond breaks out of prison after LABB, where does he go?

47gaslamps

The task force with portentous umbrellas

Halle, symbolically framed between Near and Mello

Naomi kicking Light's butt after he attempts to use force

Matsuda gives Yamamoto a welcome-aboard to the former Task Force / 

AU where the drawer IS forced open

Misa has to shield Light from the paparazzi

translightyagami

Light and L in a crowded apartment, obviously lived in, playing piano next to each other

Light sewing something like his father's suit jacket or a shirt Mikami tore

Indulgent ask for my cryptid AU L and Light sitting in a graveyard having a nice time

Light having a smoke before he has to go tell his parents he's moving in with Misa

Light and Sayu having a difficult conversation where they're both saying they're gay without out loud saying it

Near goes to a Lego building event and meets a nice boy who isn't a Wammy kid

almostsane-things

Wammy's kid(s) of your choice sitting on the roof, watching the sky

Beyond Birthday and Candy Guro

DN characters in a rock band, maybe the shinigami are their mascots

Draw a less appreciated character but try something new with your style/medium. (i.e. use different brushes, incorporate a traditional art/craft like painting or cross-stitch, make a collage piece, go abstract, etc)

L in prison

Misa and Sayu becoming friends/ hanging out

The legend of Kira, how has the story of Kira changed over time in universe? Do people believe it was something supernatural, a government conspiracy, a group of vigilantes, or perhaps it's faded to nothing but a cautionary tale for misbehaving kids

A DN character enjoys that thing you really like/ find interesting to learn about, and shares that interest with someone else. (i.e. Matt plays your favorite video game with someone, Linda teaches someone about gardening, etc)

weneedtotalkaboutdeathnote

A hot double date with BBxDemegawa and LxHiguchi

B meeting L (any context is fine).

Naomi and Raye getting coffee together, having a nice time.

L can see ghosts, but he chooses to ignore them. This becomes increasingly had to do when B’s spirit shows up during the Kira investigation.

An Au where L defeated Kira, grew older, and basically disappeared. Older Mello (mid 20sish, now a detective) follows a lead that takes him to the washed up L. 

Non serial killer, "Unprivate Detective" Beyond Birthday works on a case with Naomi Misora.

pensulliwen

Misa making Valentine’s Day chocolate, perhaps while daydreaming about a fantastically unlikely result of giving them to Light.

Rem holding Misa as they fly over the city.

Meme redraws featuring Misa, Light, and L. Just go crazy. Any ridiculous meme image, shove these dorks in there instead.

Misa convincing Rem to take her flying, the feelings they both experience in the air together.

Misa and Mogi on a shopping “date” in which the unlikely pair manage to work together surprisingly well.

Light considers eliminating Misa from the equation many times, but there’s always something that stops him. Explore how he views her and the dissonance between how he views her versus how he views himself, as well as the reasoning for keeping her around longer than intended. 

izaori

Demegawa in a hot tub but instead of water its money

Mello playing soccer with the other kids (like Matt for example). 

Matsuda playing cookie clicker, because he's obsessed.

Young Demegawa when he first got his job, maybe a few months into the job.

Sayu studying for her big exam coming up so she goes to big bro Light for help.

Ryuk discovers sour green apples rather than just the red ones. Maybe Sidoh discovers dark chocolate/white chocolate at the same time.

mikami

High school age Mikami in a high school uniform.

MikaLight out on a date

anything L/Higuchi

A Sakura TV Documentary about the Kiras. 

MikaLight office romance, non-Kira AU.

Write me a fic about Demegawa. Can definitely be comedy, but please take the character somewhat seriously.

ghostoftasslehoff

L and Light playing piano together.

L with a kitty

Sayu and ‘Ryuzaki’ meeting, and hitting it off 

Matsuda recieving a present or something from a ‘secret admirer’

A day in the life of Matsuda (away from the task force)

L and B’s first meeting (can be shippy or not, whichever my Shinigami prefers)

L tries to engage in punnery with the task force, but only one person engages (preference for Light, but surprise me!)

Sayu’s (or Sachiko’s) thoughts on Light’s new secretive actions as Kira becomes more and more active 

tzigi

(All canon-compliant)

L gets first suspicions about a string of heart attacks which may be a new murder case for him

Light’s first day at To-Oh after L’s death

Light’s first day of work at the NPA 

Near tries to pick up L’s investigation

Why did Near go back to L’s original font for the “L” logo between chapter 108 and the C-Kira oneshot? 

A non-Lawlight rendering of the first evening of Light being chained to L after everyone else has already gone to sleep (preferably in keeping with the One Day one-shot) 

Light begging Ryuk for his life

Light’s funeral

catfishmaster

The main characters (plus B) as DND characters

Older Near (like 25-30) with a bunch of cats he keeps for company

Roger bonding with Near after the Kira case.

Beyond Birthday faked his death in 2004 and now lives alone as a poor and pretty miserable theatre actor with a fake name. Oh, and also it's a Kira wins au.

Years after the Kira case has concluded, L takes on Near as an apprentice.

Matt takes Near on a tour of an afterlife-like world they both wound up in. It's more like a dreamscape than anything else but it serves as an afterlife.  

[unproduciblesmackdown]

✨how did you get into MK? what position do u usually sleep in? How often do you spend on a piece of art that you take from sketch to colored? What are your favorite snack foods? Do you get your hair cut every 6 weeks and do you stick with the same look?✨

hmm mk is a bit of an anomaly for sure….even tho ive been sifting around webcomics for abt a decade now, i really only ever am keeping up w a handful and rarely actually pick up any new ones. i’m the same way w like, all other forms of media, like shows and music and stuff…its not like even me being all too critically picky, coz i can hardly ever convince myself to check out shit i know i do/will like. but anyways i suppose it was a couple yrs ago and me freezing my ass off in a barely-insulated terrible expensive apartment while dying of depression & it was the middle of the night & i wasnt tired, and sometimes i reread a comic coz i realize ive completely lost track of the plot or characters or something…so i was doing that and there was a guest comic by the artist for mk & i was like, well you know, thats cute and funny and i like how they draw, i’ll just put this in a separate tab and maybe come back to look at their comic for once in my life b/c its not like i hve anything better to do at like 4am. so i finished my reread and figured i’d check out at least a bit of mk & when it drops kip on you right off it took me like 2.5 pgs to he like “well so………he’s gay right? and a nerd?” and so then i was like, obviously i have to follow through on this Gay Lead. b/c i mean, you never really go into anything assuming that anybody will actually get to be Not Straight, no matter how obvious it seems b/c you can’t trust anyone. so even though its right there and makes no sense for him to be straight i was still like going along trying to keep my hopes down even tho there’s no other interpretation….even when the surprise came that he has a beautiful Ex Boyf & i had like a heart attack b/c that far along i was already like “woops i also love him” i was still like trying to come at it from some other angle like…… Maybe This Is Just… Um….. i dont remember but i was like ok but seriously this Has to be an ex right? i mean my god. anyway by that point i was also deeply invested in the fact that kip is v….v much many Char Types i love and xtreme relatable plus he’s flawless and deserves the best despite being doomed for the worst……. so anyways at that point it was like 7am & i was thrilled and yelling a bit about that sweet rare vindication of This Is All Gay Right and like gosh hope he gets kissed by like everybody…… and thats about how that went

oh god…… trying to find a sleeping position can be the worst a lot of the time. like, it changes up and i have to do the tossing and turning bit… sometimes its all huddled up and other times my body wants to be stretched out… im sabotaged by the whims of my body re its comfort tbh. like i’ll be fine in any position and then suddenly my limbs or hips or whatever decide they’re uncomfortable. the other week it was only sleeping on my stomach that was tolerable. i guess on avg i sleep on my side but theres no real standard position, i wish there was

phew i…honestly can rarely draw anything in a matter of less than hours. under 2 hours is shockingly rare. it depends on the day for sure, sometimes drawing comes more naturally, sometimes my focus is less terrible…. for a guess at whats average though, for like a usual drawing that i also add color to, i’d put it at maybe, 5-7 hrs? i’m awful at paying attention to when i start/stop something. and i have a lot of pauses in there b/c of the terrible focus bit. but usually i don’t do coloring thats too fancy so it only tends to add on a couple of hours to the lineart, which is helped along if i’m doing it digitally w how easy it is to erase stuff and not worry abt the sketch being too messy to clean up or whatever. sometimes i wish i could spend another eon on the coloring also, but you can spend just as much time on colors as the lineart and i like to do everything in one go too much for that really… plus just that i’m bad w colors and dont expect to ever be as good at them as with the lineart element of things. anyways tldr all you need to know is…i’m really slow :(

oh god snacks…. i love to eat anything really. i’ll make anything a snack or a meal or whatever. i like stuff like corn chips or just dry crackers… i like to eat cereal just plain… i’ll eat a box of corn chex any day. or a box of oreos probably in like one go. i am a fan of cookies and ice cream and everything. pretzel sticks are great too. fruit snacks are great… a few times ive just been in the mood to cut some like orange bell peppers into strips and eat that…carrots are amazing too… theres this cucumber/cream cheese dip that is…fantastic with chips. idk i like to eat most things

i actually used to tend to wait too long to get my haircut and put it off till it’d been like two months and was getting too long in the back and i hated it lol….. i know we’ve talked abt the Homophobia In The Salon how you have to try to wrangle the stylist into accepting that yes, you really want it that short, and keep them from trying to take it in their own direction. and i’m nervous enough w social stuff like that where i cant know what to say beforehand, and doubly nervous b/c of it being really stressful and exhausting for me to try to just like stick to what you actually want and explain this very simple cut to ppl who sometimes will act like they have no idea what you mean…and it would be triply difficult b/c back in the day i’d catch all this shit over having my hair as short as i wanted b/c my mom was having a whole internal shitstorm about me being a wholeass queer and so of course she was gonna flip out about how i look as if that will solve things for her. i always forget that i Was in fact abused for the ol “not seeming properly cishet” business. so the nervousness abt the haircut experience lingered!! but it helps that sometimes i’d find a really nice stylist who would be friendly and remember the general idea of the cut i liked, and i could stick with them and that was helpful. but for the past year i’ve really just been giving myself a continuous haircut myself w the occasional aid of a bathroom mirror, i’m not fancy. my Ideal Cut gradually got shorter and shorter over the years, w it now being maybe an inch and a half on top and shorter on the sides in that General Undercut format. i rly dont like much length on the back of the neck or by the ears lol…plus it doesnt help having glasses when your hair is getting too long. maybe it would be nice if i could someday dye it my favorite kind of blue, right. but in the meantime, as long as its short enough i’m good

[swampgallows]

i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again. 

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person. 

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games. 

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded  nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that. 

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway). 

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive. 

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester. 

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it. 

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women. 

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood. 

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter. 

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time. 

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.

[aitian]

July 6 2019

3:15 am (saturday?)

it feels like july fourth was just a few hours ago, & june should not have passed yet. i really wish i had someone to love in these moments. it really feels like once again no one really cares for me (in all meanings; im not interesting or tasteful or attractive or desirable or worth understanding/being around). i feel so strange about my body as smth that i do not totally mind being in but also feel mildly disgusted by bc of how other ppl have treated me based upon it. it predicates so much of the violence & suffering that i have internalized. also i am hitting a rock with a few things- i spent all of last night (the night before?) looking up careers & etc things all over the internet & i still have no real dreams relating to working & being a worker- i am more & more uncomfortable with my transness & feeling like i will b disgusting & foolish if i become more feminine but also that i am disgusting & foolish already in how i have always looked & felt- i keep looking at these websites related to queer apa groups & literary things & “opportunities” for someone like me & they just fully do not feel like they are for someone like me bc i feel at the same time too privileged & too lacking to be who they want to support & also that i am simply annoying & burdensome for trying to do anything yet feeling like the work that they do is sometimes annoying & useless anyway so what gives them the pride to deny me & then circling back to these ideas abt money & power that seem antithetical to the stated goals of all of us but totally in line with our actions. it all makes me feel increasingly isolated & resentful that i am unable to change how i feel & live in this moment. it feels like i am back in high school with the part of my brain between my eyes aching yet unable to scream & cry. i know i am different now, but not enough, & not in a way that feels loved. i know that part of my problem is not having a large enough heart to love others first, but when i have not been extended kindness in ways that feel right to me, it is hard to step out & be generous to others who i know deep down will no reciprocate meaningfully. i feel stupid for having these desires that seem totally arbitrary & just make things harder for me (a masculine loving force, being treated as a queer femme by my friends & the respect that comes from knowing i have complex thoughts & emotions, codependency & mutualism in a way that may only be “unhealthy” because of how capitalist dynamics structure our interpersonal relationships) but i cant figure out how to change. i dont want to be uncomfortable & unfulfilled for the rest of my life. on the other hand, i now feel so much shame for wanting these things & pursuing these things in the way that i always have such as studying & licking the toes of elitism bc i understand that this is probably not a channel for me to truly gain comfort but a small part of me (& a huge part of the rest of the world) says yes, it really can be.

A review of june: 

kicked off the month with sherry leaving. we had our philly day trip to eat cheesecake in late may & then our trip to toronto where we met up with grace for a day & then on the last day we hung out until smth crazy like 4am & i sat on the pavement of our driveway & cried as they back up their cars and left. 

the next few days include hanging out w adele, going to hershey to visit alice, & hanging out w adele a little bit more before she left to go on vacation.

around the middle of the month, i did a lot of cooking & eating & sleeping at the correct time & trying to nourish away the emptiness that was slowly creeping in. i was also sewing a shirt with mom that we finished & it looks pretty cute. 

mom & i took many trips. after the weekend at hershey, we went to philadelphia just to eat & hang around, & we went to baltimore at the end of the month (just last weekend). we also went to stone valley/shavers creek & walked around.

around june 20th or so everything started to become a blur. i was/am working on the zine, sleeping at the worst hours, & feeling so empty inside. 

things on the immediate & horizon:

- i bought silkscreen supplies but have not set up a studio situation yet. i am trying to make smth that i am proud of first i guess.

- i am trying to illustrate a zine/comic but i have totally lost steam. i just want it to magically manifest as a finished product because idk how much i still believe in it in this moment of depression & fear it will never come to fruition. part of why i stopped was bc i started feeling like it was shameful to draw these things that i imagine could be a part of a wonderful life because other ppl could look at it & think abt how foolish & disgusting & simple i am.

- em shared these two articles which are rly fucking with me. i guess its comforting that they describe ugliness as smth that shouldnt be treated badly but they also do not have conclusions abt how to not treat ugliness as undesirability which fucks with me. its this strange rhetoric that undesirable people should be valued but maybe still remain undesirable? while acknowledging that value & desirability r unfortunately but definitely related. the more i think abt it the less sense it makes. esp bc i am struggling so much with feeling wholly & totally undesirable. i sent a msg to em today abt it bc they asked me how i am doing & i think it was too much bc they just liked it & didnt reply. 

https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2011/08/22/moving-toward-the-ugly-a-politic-beyond-desirability/

https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/how-to-be-fat-caleb-luna-sub/

- im supposed to have my wisdom teeth removed at the end of august & im pretty scared tbh. i have never had surgery, & there are multiple parts that are intimidating to me. i fear being totally not in control of my body being cut up & gouged & not having the choice rly to object because waiting can only make it worse, i fear the physical stabbing & poking & bleeding, i fear the recovery & the pain & indignity, & i also fear the part abt losing consciousness. i dont know what part of my anxiety keeps telling me that its the same as dying, that losing myself to a strange limbo is terrifying, & that framework even makes me suddenly afraid of sleep. on top of that, i am afraid of what i will say & do as i am coming back into consciousness because i think my base thoughts & emotions are not things that i would want mom to hear. 

- i am relearning dr. gradus & here is a section that i played today. ngl i practiced just these measures for the video but also i am rly beginning to string the piece together.

[icantw84it]

Acquired Savant or TBI leading to Talents

Who is icantw84it and how did he come about…….

Hello,  My name is Scott Mele.  I was in a wreck 3.5 years ago.  I was hit at 70mph from behind which split my head open and gave me a concussion that went untreated.  No scans were made at the hospital I was sent home after 5 hours of waiting in the ER to get 11 staples.    Best part, prior to the wreck I couldn’t Draw or Paint but after I could paint Portraits and even Spray paint murals.

Before all of that, I met the woman of my dreams.  Unlike anything I ever felt for anyone, instantly I was taken by her, and she felt the same. TBH she was actually on her way to get the last of her things and move back to WV, when we met.  We were together for about a month…she need to go back home to get somethings from West Virginia. Where her mom and friends lived.   She had so much anxiety from trying to leave she couldn’t make herself leave.  She called me on the day of my wreck, prior to…. to let me know she wasn’t coming back…..Trust me no one ever says they want to live in WV. Jk I am sure its beautiful.

It was pouring down rain and I shouldn’t have left.  I was driving slow like everyone else, but it was coming down so hard.   My car instantly turned side ways, and just like that, I was facing the wall.  Now, I had been driving rear wheel vehicles my whole life.  This had never happened, not instantly!   I gained control of the vehicle but it stalled out.  Everyone stopped.  I looked to make sure behind me.  I didn’t hit anyone Thank god!  I put it in gear and hit the start button.  Bang!  

About a mile back at the exact same time, a guy swerved 4 lanes of traffic at 70 mph and saw the last lane was stopped swerved back lost control and like a missile shot into my car.

Brooke, that’s her name, she drove 5 hours to come take care of me.  She spent 2 weeks with me and then had to leave to go back to work.  At this point I had not really noticed anything.   Two weeks later she was coming back to be with me for a few days, then head back to WV to get the rest of her things.  She came back stayed for one night and left for WV.  That’s right, she did it again.  I was devastated.

I am not sure if it was this moment or the wreck or both.   But from here I can feel myself splitting in two.  I woke up one day and it was like I didn’t associate with anything in my life……. “Why am I staying in this luxury apartment.”  “Why are my bills ridiculous?” ” I don’t want to work with these people or even be associated.”  I was a car sales manager and a very successful one.  I didn’t want this life.  I felt trapt and alone.  I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted anymore. Which made me feel even more trapt and alone.  Everyday I would disassociate myself with another part of my life.  I use to work out twice a day.  I LOVED IT!  I remember saying I don’t want to waste my time with that. I was a douchebag.   Maybe part of me still is mostly in part from the intense feeling of not wanting to be alone and doing what I had to, to feel someone next to me.  I wasn’t ugly and I was a great salesman.  A very avid Online Dater and was always keen on finding niches and solutions to problems.  So I milked an online website for as many dates as I could until I got tired of one night stands.  But I digress….

I had so much anxiety from being in my life that I had to find a way to express myself. One day while in Marshalls(Popular Home crafts store) with my kids, I bought $400 worth of art supplies.  That Night I started Painting.  Granted, before this I couldn’t draw or paint.  My dad painted Bob Ross style when i was a kid but I hated it.  I would run when the show came on. I did take 4 years of art when I was in HS but everyone did.  I hated everything I drew.  I think I even have a drawing book from back then which I am embarrassed over.   I doodled in Highschool because I had ADD and that’s what I did.  It helped me pass because I believe it kept my brain active while I digested part of what was being taught.   

Anyways, When I finished my first painting that night…..It was the first time in 4 months where I felt like I recognized a part of me.  Something clicked for the first time.  I became hooked, and started painting everynight from 9pm-4am in the morning and going back to work at 9am in the morning.  I did this for 9 months.So not only was I splitting in two feeling depressed, alone, confused as to who I was, Anxiety from being trapt in my life, heart broken, angry , Disassociated, and drew away from being with people, I also added lack of proper sleep to the list.

So, I wasn’t painting like someone who just started painting. I was painting bodys and forms expressing emotions. However, I needed a challenge and I started painting Portraits. About 6 months in, I got bored of pumping paintings out every night start to finish. . My small canvas was 48in by 24in.  Which is larger than scale.  Not only could I paint portraits I could draw them. Where as before I couldn’t draw something that looked appealing by any means. When I did my first Portrait with flesh tones I nailed it.   Something happened during the wreck its like I took on an artists life.  I don’t even know what I am doing when i am doing it. I just do it and if I mess up I bounce off it instinctively like I had always done it.   

The painting was the only thing keeping me somewhat functional.  I needed it like it was a drug.  I eventually found a way to leave my job and do art full time.  Which was beyond dumb, but I couldn’t keep my focus in the dealership while I was there and I was losing positions like soccer player in the world cup who cant stop fighting.   I wanted out.  So I found a way out.  

I was surviving on my art alone for a good 6 months…Until I got into another wreck.  Same hit from behind at 20mph faster than what I was going.  My body locked up and I stopped working out so I was 15lbs lighter.  I through one of my hips out of whack by 3/4 inch.  My muscles were inflamed all around it and were hard as rocks 24 hours a day.  I was passing out every 4 hours.  I had no insurance and no money.   I couldn’t work a regular job.  I became even more depressed.  I couldn’t keep my apartment that was feeding me all my commissions.  I had to leave Raleigh NC, my hot spot.  This is where it gets real dark. I remember feeling so lost and calculating the amount of time I had left and what I could do to stay.  Before this I never worried about money. I was alone without help.  No one really knew what was going on with me. I didn’t go to a doctor for my brain injury.  I still haven’t.   I was afraid I would lose my ability to paint.  IDK   So no one really took my accident seriously because I never talked about it.  The only people who knew were my fans on instagram. I lost the one thing that was keeping me sane.  My ability to do art whenever I wanted.  I moved to a smaller town and attempted to make it there.  At this point my credit was garbage, i had to leave my apartment so I couldn’t get a place of my own.  I found a house with two bedrooms and I converted one of the rooms into a paint room.  But without constant conversations about my art it didn’t matter.I was behind on my child support.  I was even told that I needed to come up with $800 by next month or I was going to jail.  Even though I was passing out every 4 hours.  I lost everything and I could barely keep myself fed.  

I started making calls to break Timeshare contracts over the phone.  This saved me financially while the leads were good.  Then I went on the road to do it in person in different cities.  The hours were easy and predictable so I could work around them.  

I finally got help from a pain specialist.  She looked at me and knew exactly whats wrong with me.  She fixed about 90% of me.  I still have some lingering issues like fatigue and exhaustion after extreme exertion in short bursts.  All things I can hopefully fix.  So back to painting…..

So great i can paint portraits who cares.  Two years after the wreck during the time I was breaking Timeshares, I got bored with portraits and needed a challenge again.  I picked up a spray can, mind you I never liked graffiti or even cared for it. I thought murals were pretty but never even really noticed. I never even drew a  graffiti piece.   I picked up a can and did a graffiti piece on the side of a building that said for lease.  4 colors blended with a bubble and not bad at all using cheap spray paints from walmart.  Then a 8 ft tall crushed coke can.  nailed it.  Then a guy drove by and asked me to do something for him in his gym.  I sprayed a 10ft by 30ft Graffiti piece that said The Dungeon, for his gym where he had 40 people work out in front of on the daily.   Huge for someone just starting out.  but nailed it.   By this time I had been spraying for  a total of 10 days.  I told the building owner that I was ready to paint my mural.  He asked, ” have you ever done one before?”   No, but I got this!

In 10 days I spray painted a 50ft by 50 ft tall mural on the side of a building.This was the first time I painted about Brooke and the wreck….Honestly I picked some photos of random things built up a story in my head and painted it.  When I was done I realized it was Brooke and I painted about where I met her and overcoming adversity by using Koi fish. Which before I researched it I had no clue that’s what it meant. 

Subconsciously, I was telling myself to get over it I guess.    It felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I felt like a big piece of me was healed.  For the first time I was able to think about Brooke without feeling extreme emotions…  I felt I was going to be able to paint murals for my living but realized that my location, bills, timing, were all working against me.  I had to make a choice to support myself and make myself not feel like I was going to be homeless everyday, or continue fighting for something that I wasn’t sure I could do for very long without any support.  After almost being homeless 3 times during this period I decided to go back to car sales.  

Today I sit in a car dealership and I bite my tongue about the leads and the traffic and opportunities and remain grateful I have a job. After a year of not painting I finally picked a model on instagram to paint and have been painting her on a 89in by 72 in Canvas.   I can only give 2 hours at a time to it.  And I haven’t lost any of my ability to paint.  I can’t commit to it like I did because that would mean going back down that rabbit hole

I fought so hard to get out of.  But I give what I can to it and then try to appease the other side of me by sustaining my lame but stable Car salesman position in a small dealership.  I say this because of my other sides I have ruined my opportunities in other dealerships by wanting more power, control, leads because of my previous experience and knowing I can do more and make more if I had those things. 

To the best of my knowledge its like having a revolving glass door of personality  strengths, and depending on the situation and what I am doing that side is more prominent and in control or acting and making decisions: 

One side of me is a salesman, a damn good salesman that thrives on Power and Control and financial gain.

Another side of me is the Artist that is Content with just being alone and Creative.  Getting lost in my work and not being social.  Still desiring the need to see people but not really wanting to be a part of a group.

The last side is the side of me that wants to do nothing but loathe on my self pity and depression, play video games to distract myself and not accomplish anything.  He can’t remember to do things.  Constantly distracted worthless in almost every way to the other two sides of me. I think collectively we all hate him even he hates him.  Which I have identified and am trying to change. 

No, I don’t black out when one side takes over.  So maybe its not Multiple Personalities.  Yes, I remember everything. All I know is that its confusing when I try to decide who I am and what I want to do for the rest of my life because its a constant tug of war.  When I am selling I want to be with people and spend money, find girls I want to succeed and have control.  When I am painting I want to be alone and lost in my art for ever not caring about anything else.  When I am not doing either of those and not on adderall, I want to play video games and be left alone dwelling on my life and what I lost.

By writing that I understand that I haven’t made much progress. But to be honest and for you to see the full spectrum of things I had to say it.  I take adderall because I hate being him.  I had been taking adderall before the wreck so those two personality conflicts were preexisting.   I remember calling him the other guy.  Or I would mention that the Other guy would leave adderall lying around the apartment in different places each time.  And while I am working on a painting and get stumped or frustrated with my thought process I would sigh and as I am exhaling I would be in plain view of an adderall that the other guy left for me.  Genius!  lol   

Anyways.  This is a detailed snippet of my last three years after my wreck.  Outside of hating myself the only other thing all three of me share, is the desire to want to find someone that understands me and to be with.  

I think we all want to get my story out now, and find a way to make it known.  Its inspiring for some reason. I don’t know why, but I do love when people feel inspired to do something they have been afraid to do. Or to take another shot at life.

Has my experience been for the better.  I don’t know it depends on who you ask of the three.  I did gain the ability to paint  and pick up styles of art I haven’t been exposed to over night.  

Why did I write this…..I figured it would help someone in their research, maybe it will lead to shedding some light on my situation, help me in some way.  IDK, but I find that every time I tell my story it helps with my anxiety.   

Thank you for reading.

Sorry if it was all over the place. My grammar is horrible and I haven’t really had a chance to sit down and proof this, so again…. I apologize.

-icantw84it

This is a link to my art.

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[readfelice-blog]

moominland chronicles fünfzehn: felice vs the german health care system

Hello you, 

It’s 4am on Friday morning, I’m lying in bed with one of my 3 flowered ikea lamps burning away, holding my cuddly pig tight to my chest whilst I tap out this blog on my iphone, balanced on a pillow.

I cant sleep.

I’m going to get a taxi to hospital in 5 hours.

Before we start all that please administer any of the below music to yourself as an accompaniment, I’ve been dipping my toes into the clear water of pop shoals this week, I might be the last person to have listened to blond (an article in vice insisted upon me lining it up on my google play - still no cd player, I know):

Frank ocean

Nikes (song, always a fan of a big opener on an album)

https://vimeo.com/179791907?ref=em-share

Blond (album, yes you've probably heard it already)

https://www.discogs.com/Frank-Ocean-Blond/master/1046042

I'm also late on the train for Mitski I’m sure, but the words, restrain in her voice and divergent harmonies (discordant, is that better?) are searing through me, might listen again in the hospital tomorrow.

Though perhaps as she grows older she wont long for that kiss quite as much as she does now, because prince charming will never save her really (though she does acknowledge that from time to time on this album)

Mitski

A horse named cold air (song)

https://youtu.be/ce3m-o1pZqY

Be the cowboy (Album)

https://mitski.bandcamp.com/album/be-the-cowboy

And just this one song, which kind of speaks frankly from my heart a little, or at least I sympathise with, though in a fuller sense my situation is very different and it’s only my little brain that identifies with the lyrics.

SZA: the weekend

https://youtu.be/PALMMqZLAQk

So then.. youre suited and booted musically, lets press on shall we? After all I mentioned hospital, it would be cruel just to taper off now.

Heres my small brain again:

Fuck the fucking german health system, fuck all those uptight bigoted cunts that put the phone down on me this week, fuck my insurance for charging me since july and slyly adding it to my bill, fuck the man at the tk queue yesterday who aggressively shouted at me for talking on the phone with my sister, about my illness, at the first opportunity that day after a very strange experience with the gynaecologist.

Ok, 

I’m breathing, my small brain is retracting, lets continue a bit less aggressively now.

Health health health, we’re jumping back on the theme from last week, because sometimes illness doesn't go away, and as this blog is my warts and all document of the weird happenings of my life, I am going to be very very open about whats happening to me this week.

So I’m bleeding, like all pre menopausal women do who dont take contraception that inhibits it, thats what was happening in Paris, thats what has been happening for 3 weeks.

I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes.

I had really bad period pains last time round, which is unusual for me these days, I took buscopan plus, i soldiered on, then it stopped for a week, then it returned, light some days, heavier seemingly at the weekends. I pigheadedly pushed through physically exhausting weeks of cleaning, travelling, working, I’m a freelance cleaner, I don't get sick pay or holiday pay, I have to work or I can't pay rent.

I wrote a blog about it last weekend. But that was just before the blood clots starting coming, when the first one fell out it plopped in the toilet, I was so shocked I fished it out and curiously studied it (warts and all, I’m sick of skirting the weirdness in my life: its there: get used to it). I thought it was a dead baby, it was monstrous and displayed a horrid kind of plasticity as it eerily shifted round the jar in my hand I was gently coercing. It was an alien, more like rosemary's baby than my cherub cheeked nephew.

That was MONDAY.

I thought, ok the babies fallen out, now it’ll surely stop.

On sunday the bear got in touch, he'd been trying to phone, he was annoyed he couldn't get in contact, he was horny. I told him I was still bleeding, he insisted I go to the doctors, in his very forthright way, he sent me money to go even: because i was clueless about my insurance at that point. I knew i’d been getting letters I couldn't read from tk (die teckniker, german health insurance provider)  for months, since I stopped working at the hostel, but I’d just carefully ignored them.

I didn't have the money to pay for health insurance.

I botched my first attempt to see a gynaecologist, I made an appointment online but the transfer the bear made was not in my bank so he asked me to phone them and check payment methods. When I did the receptionist point blank refused to speak English to me, my quandary was simply, “Do I need cash today?” But she was haughty and unsympathetic, another colleague took the phone, who even through garbled understanding felt kinder but it soon transpired that my appointment was for November 1st not October 1st.

“Im very ill i dont think I can wait that long.”

I phoned Meoclinic to be told by a woman with razors in her voice who suddenly became sickeningly sweet after she’d told me it was €400 just to see someone. I felt like the pleasure she was deriving from me tripping over my words and despairingly saying that was to much money for me, was enough for her to take home and masturbate over later, in her silky agent provocateur corset, on silk sheets, with a flute of champagne on the bedside table.

I gave up for the day and decided that tomorrow I’d go to the doctors I went to for my sti test a few months ago, they were very nice. They spoke english, they had open appointments the next day at 18h.

TUESDAY

More clots started coming, big, gloopy, just pouring out of me, they were announced by a tirade of blood, I was soaking through organic pads at an alarming rate.

So that wasn't the baby on Monday then.

I went to clean first, I cant afford to not clean for reasons stated above, at an office where the woman who employs me talks to me through gritted teeth as if our every interaction is painful to her.

Lowly pauper girl, know your place.

Anyway due to logistical issues she had probably not envisaged, I didn't do the whole job and left early. I walked out on to the money lined streets of Uhlandstrasse, Cara Delevine’s svelte androgynous eyes staring out at me from various glass paned monoliths, and sat on a moth eaten bench, very upset from the shift, feeling utterly worthless, responsible and at fault, bleeding.

Then I had a cigarette, collected myself and went to tk: Round 1.

I waited, gushing out blood, in line for 25 minutes to see the receptionist, then a further 10/15 to see the sales girl. I dont have to pay them straight away but when november comes I will have to pay them 720+€ , plus from then on 180€ a month, from an average wage of 800€.

In retrospect I was probably fully within my right to protest starting the contract from July 1st, but I was so grateful for someone health related to be talking to me in English and perhaps it will stand in my favour now the hospital bills will be tallying up.

I left with no card or proof of insurance.

I went home, lay down, then showered, laced my trainers and went back into the world depleted, to Mehringdam to see the emergency doctors, it was raining heavily outside.

They were different this time, I had no proof of insurance but I had the bears money so I was paying cash, I waited dutifully and wrote in my diary.

It was a different female doctor, a more boxy and less vital woman than the previous medic I’d met at the same clinic. About halfway into my bloody tale of woe she stopped me panic stricken.

“You know this is a doctors surgery, you have to go to a gynaecologist.”

“Ok, so you cant help me.” - i start putting my coat back on.

A pause.

“Can you at least refer me to one? I’ve had a hard time trying to find a gynaecologist, I can't really speak German, people have been very rude to me so far, I came back here because I remember people were kind and tried to help me, even though I wasn't sure it was the right place.”

We go out to reception where I stand in front of 2 receptionists who speak in German and totally ignore me, the doctor hands me some measly bits of paper with contact details printed on them and hurries away. Shaken from my bloody tale of woe I imagine she just sits in her office for 10 minutes alone obsessively sterilising her hands and shuddering.

I continue to look at the 2 women in front of me who carry on as if I am invisible for a further 5 minutes, I tell them I’m going to the toilet and then coming back, they brush me off. More blood pours out of me. I return and finally they allow me to pay them, I plod back out into the rain and miserably wait for a bus, head home via the shops and climb back into bed.

WEDNESDAY

Is a national holiday, so I can't sort anything, my client offers me the day off, I take it. I make 9 drawings for my project, bounce the rough edit of the album I’m working on, pull myself to the dance studio I’ve started to rent to practise my live show. Have a long overdue singsong, though I can't really dance i can still sing.

Sunday edit: I’ve since missed 2 bookings at the studio because of this infernal bleeding, hope I can go back soon, it was utterly riveting to finally find a place I could sing as loudly as I wanted.

It's a glorious day even though blood still rains, I’m not cleaning, I’m doing what i really want to do.

THURSDAY

I need to be at my clients early, but I go via the apotheke on the way, there a pharmacist advises me on the best way to take iron and vitamin supplements, sells me ibuprofen and alerts me to the gynaecologist upstairs, but she’s only open till 13h, my job is supposed to finish at that time.

I hum and haa as I hobble to my clients and when I get there decide to finish the job early and see if I can get an appointment.

On the way into the building there's a system of doors, I enter alongside an elderly gentleman with a walking stick and we have quite the time not understanding each other, me holding doors for him, him very jovially propping them open with his stick. I have no idea what’s being said but something tender and wonderful is occurring between us that puts a lightness back in my step.

This reception is slick and clean, the receptionist is neat and elegant. But the doctor isn’t there. They wouldn’t accept my tk insurance anyway, they’re going on holiday till November.

Ok,

I leave and just flop down on the street outside, I’m supposed to be doing a double clean today but I have a 2 hour window before my next job, which is only a 15 minute walk away. I’m getting closer to seeing someone. Still crouched down on the street, still bleeding, I dig out the contacts handed to me, one is for a doctors I’ve called before. I call 2 numbers from the 4 sheets I have, both go through to hard voiced women who utterly refuse to attempt to speak English to me and relish the goodbyes they bestow before they coldly put the phone down. To the second one I say in English:

“I’m really sick, but if I don’t speak German I am just going to continue to be sick, is that what you’re telling me?”

I found a list on google, theres a male gynaecologist just up the road, a man rummaging in my lady bits is a bit disconcerting but truly I’m beyond pride now.

This reception is more modest, I place my cleaning bucket on the floor and then just start with

“I’m losing a lot of blood, can you please help me.”

He’s in.

These receptionists are gorgeous humans, they speak to me in broken English, they’re shocked I’ve been bleeding for 3 weeks, yes he will see me, please take a seat.

He’s a big warm man with no sexual energy, I tell him everything, I feel so grateful just to be able to see him that I’m bowing as I say thank you. I get sent to a little room, remove my trousers and knickers, get let into another room, climb on the chair, he inserts the spy camera dildo (ultrasound) device inside me, then on the screen we look at a ball like thing inside my womb.

Hes glowing when he tells me its probably a very early pregnancy, he’s so excited, though it’ll most likely be a miscarriage, but he paints a future where my little fetus determinedly survives the bloodletting and in 9 months time arrives in my life.

I cover everything in blood, which freaks him out.  

“You’re really bleeding a lot.”

He gives me the ultrasound photo, then after some confusion I go to the nurses and deposit a urine sample on the counter of another room.

“Thank you so much for seeing me.”

“Of course: you have been bleeding for 3 weeks.”

As I wait in the reception for the test results a new future, inconceivable before this point, rolls out before me, where I have the baby and take the government stipend to look after it as a single mother, I thought I didn’t want kids but something seems so precious about this vision. It’ll just be me and my little ball of love, together in some warm cosy flat in Prenzlauer Berg, surrounded by all the other Berlin mothers.

The test is negative, a jolt of dismay passes through me, the vision is shattered, I have to go to the hospital he says. They give me the bill, without proof of insurance I pay in cash, thanking the bear silently. He also tells me to go to my insurance and get a letter, because the hospital will really cost a lot.

So I go home, breathe and collect myself, go back out. Spend over an hour wandering around looking for a photo kiosk for my insurance card (not blind> I’m using google maps to try locate one), finally I find it nestled into a dark part of the s bahn station, it costs double what the machine costs but I just eat the charge, earlier I’d spend 30 minutes wandering around the crossroads outside Leopaldplatz: the fotofix on the map was apparently invisible, I need a picture. I then wait for another 30 minutes to have my photo taken.

When I get to the u bahn where tk is there is a fotofix booth right there, to my left as I walk out of the station, I really hold myself back from screaming and kicking over all the chairs arranged outside the cafe before me. I finally manage to call my sister and it's a glorious funny loving chat, cut short by the aforementioned man in the tk queue.

I tell him in english which he insists he doesn't understand, that I am having the day from hell and that was the first time I’ve managed to speak to that person, he abuses me again in German but then stands very far away from me, the shame weaving around him, I curse him, but its a little thing, just that I hope he gets eaten by spider babies.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.

I retrieve my letter from the receptionist, the same sales woman I spoke to on Tuesday who doesn’t recognise me at all.

It’s getting late in the day, I call back my sister and head to Charite Campus Mitte, as I get there it dawns on me this is where I was an extra on an art video shoot around 3 weeks ago.

There is no discernable entrance, it seems mostly deserted. I travel up in a lift towards the gynakolgie department, but when I exit the skybent box that is my vehicle there is no clear signage towards it, just a door to an emergency exit staircase, wind billowing behind it, with a note in fluoro yellow fixed on its metallic facade and a bridge / corridor leading to empty waiting rooms.

I give up, decide I’ll go to the address given to me by the doctors tomorrow. I’ll go home and sleep now.

Home, I eat then I crash, I get into bed at 19h, I’m still here its now 6am and I’ll try sleep a bit more before I get a taxi at 9am.

I’m scared

It’s like some sick version of the night before christmas, black humour and absurdity have been welcome companions but armour fades in bed, so writing this in the knowledge I will share it with the online community has been the only thing I can do to douse the fear.

I’ll probably have to beg receptionists later but I just hope I get to someone who can start to mend me, because the blood is still coming, for the first time since it started it stained my sheets last night but I’ve wiped them down a little.

Sunday edit: the sheets are now in the wash.

Saturday edit: they did see me, I’m having an operation on monday at 9:30, the saga continues because I have to rush back to the gynaecologists first on monday to get a note so I can be operated on : as by the time I got out of hospital on friday the gynaecologists surgery was closed and nothing is open on the weekends.

And on the anaesthetists form where it asked me who would be collecting me or looking after me for 24 hours after the procedure I stubbornly wrote noone. Though my mentor will be around as I swallowed my pride and asked her.

And, of course, I just expect more bullshit: that was my dads very astute advice:

“Expect more bullshit Felice.”

So then, yes I should speak German, yes I should of sorted my insurance, yes I’ve been irresponsible.

Saturday edit: I’ve been utterly irresponsible and disrespectful to the country I live in, I MUST learn German and make more of an effort to learn their culture, right now I’m truly an idiot abroad.

I might cancel all my jobs next week as well if I’m really sick, I might not be able to go to Krakow and watch Eartheater,

Saturday edit: All my jobs are cancelled, one of the days next week is my birthday, which I’d scheduled a double clean on so perhaps it’s not all bad.

But I’m not going to see Eartheater, if you’ve heard irisiri though ( LISTEN TO IT, I IMPLORE YOU, MORE THAN ONCE, on the first listen it’s quite harsh: https://alexdrewchin.bandcamp.com/releases) then you’ll immediately understand that not going to her show because I’m having my uterus forcibly wedged open and something cut out of it, is utterly appropriate, it’s like missing formula one because you got hit by a ferrari.

I hope I’ll be better by turin.

Saturday edit: very much.

I will still finish this project whatever happens.

Saturday edit: Now I have a week off it should help.

But I’m not 100% sure how I will make ends meet this month.

Saturday edit: Perhaps the polyp they cut out of me on monday is really an alien and I get paid hush money not to leak the story to the press.

I really miss the nhs, its a big soft Pugsy bear I just want to hug and hold and thank for everything it’s done for me over the years.

The german health system is an amalgamation of all these callous female receptionists, ignoring you and filing their niles whilst you just bleed out in front of them.

But still, I’m stubborn, its a test and i will overcome it whatever it is. I am not leaving berlin, I am standing taller, stronger and more powerful than before. I’ve experienced completely new angles and feelings this week, it’s been abhorrent but kind of sickly enjoyable as well. Life is always entertaining as it energetically throws its bounty of strangeness, cruelty and beauty (etc) at you.

It’s all good fun, even the dark days.

I’m going to try get a bit of shut eye now, might move my alarm back a little see if I can get 2 hours before i wake up to get a taxi.

Take care everyone, if you made it to the end then I guess thank you for reading as well, it’s a long fraught one this week eh?

[oflgtfol]

oh my god i had the weirdest fucking dreams and its so long djsidjsn

ok so first off it had like all my favorite characters, narration by mabel. first was shiro, i forgot what happened when he was there tho. then the stan twins and then sans but sans had like..... a twin too????? and not like one of the au sans i mean like two actual canon sans..... anyway mabel was discussing depression and how to deal with it using these characters as examples

ok then i woke up, was like “huh”, realized it was a saturday morning at 4am and i could actually enjoy sleep, and then went back to sleep

THEN. Its like, me and my family are going on vacation? in the middle of the school year? we normally only go during the summer so that i dont miss school, but in my dream it was actually saturday like it is irl. anyway i didnt even know we were going until we actually went, and i had no idea how long? if we were coming back in time for school or if i would be out?

anyway so the place we went to was some warm place but the entire time we were there it was raining so we couldnt do anything outdoors. my brother and his girlfriend was there, except his gf had like... another boyfriend?? i dont recall ever actually seeing my brother i just Know he was there in passing mention at least. his gf also had a sister who looked identical to her, and she had her own boyfriend there i think????

so i was.. outside doing . weird shit? all my friends were there as was... humanized? warrior? cats????????? but i can only remember....... DARKSTRIPE????? beinf there???? darkstripe of all characters??? anyway so our goal was to try and..... breathe.... down these long ass tubes and see if the person on the other side could feel it. everybody else was able to achieve it but i had a really long tube for some reason and i was huffing and puffing and not able to do it.

ok then our objective was between me and some..... asshole whose name started with... r??? idk i hated him. i hated him he was so annoying. idk what wxactly the objective was but it was to do something with the ridgeback base from flight rising. i was just writing shit all over it like it was some real life drawing program? and all 6 of us were watching it but it was only me and R doing anything. like i remember seeing the medibanf layout but it was.... irl... anyway i was writing stuff like “be positive! you cant win R!!” and R wrote nothing so i was like “ha i won by default!” and R was taunting me the whole ass time irl by speaking. so some disembodied third party person wrote on the file “R won” and i was so ANGRY i was like this is UNFAIR HOW DID HE WIN!!! FAKE ASS JUDGE

so then we were all........ drawn? we were represented by stylized drawings of ourselves.. So we’re all hooked together by mics so we can talk ans theres like a 6 way split screen so we can all see each other? like in cartoons when the screen is split between characters? yeah

so darkstripe is apparently undercover for.. something and he was talking with my brother’s girlfriend’s SISTER... and something was happening with them... we could all hear them i think they were flirting but i think we werent meant to know it was actually darkstripe, just some outside stranger, but then darkstripe like pasted his drawn self onto the file and we all GASPED bc it revealed that he was ghat voice and we were all absolutely shocked, including her but darkstripe didnt even realize what he’d done

k then its me and the sister. we’re at the top of some bleachers next to a tv thats supposed to be watched by everyone in this room. we’re joking and giggling the entire time and having fun but then this random ass kid was sitting behind us, and was like “will you two shut up your voices are projecting in that corner. i’d like to be able to hear” and we didnt stop so by the end of the program he was like “im gonna BEAT YOUR ASSES”

so then we’re all leaving the area and this kid who i sit with at lunch was like pretendinf to be a zombie. there were these large ass doors with giant windows set in them and they closed before i got in soi was like “haha let me in guys, dont let me get bit” and i went in and SURPRISINGLY it did not turn into a zombie dream! BUT something bad did happen here

the small room, its more like a large closet tbh with some sort of... skylight at the top..... suddenly held a lot less ppl than before. like i think it was shannen, the sister, her boyfriend maybe?, my brother’s gf, and her other boyfriend, and maybe 2 other unidentified people. the boyfriend was acting all sweet to the sister’s boyfriend but then he SUDDENLY PULLED OUT A HAMMER. AND SWUNG IT AT THE OTHER BF’S HEAD SO HARD HE GOT FLUNG THRU THE WALL. LIKE INTO THE WOOD. I LITERALLY COULDNT SEE HIM THATSBHOW FAR IN HE WENT. BUT THE FIRST BOyfriEND JUST KEPT WAILING ON HIM WITH THIS HAMMER AND LIKE. YOU KNOW HE DEAD

so we’re all fucking TERRIFIED and hes like “everyone. center of the room. now” and i cant remember this part but fhskdjs i just remember hating this fucking guy and wanting to tell someone whathe did but we were all under his threat, except his girlfriend (my BROTHERS girlfriend) who was absolutely chill with it. she wasnt scared and she still loved him. i was so disgusted like everytime i saw him around the hotel thing i was like Godd.. i need to tell someone so i was like “Shannen. We Need To Inform The Authorities” and she was like “nooooo... we cant..........” i was so frustrated that everybody was just acting like normal, BUT the sister showed promise she was like “yeah... hate that guy”

anyway yeah i woke up before he Received Justice